The Eventual Rise and Fall
Once again, I sit and ponder: what the hell have i done to anger the Gods, so much so that they have forced this solitude upon me?
I went to the movies alone tonight. Alone. As in with no one else but myself. I dont understand how i can be surrounded by family, yet feel so alone. My mother frowns at my outings, and i always feel like she’s going to get onto me when i get home late. I cant really be an adult here……I’m still the child, “la niña” as they affectionately will always call me. When will i be looked upon as more than a mere child? Moreover, when will i finally find someone who wants to take the time to know me, and take me out and wine and dine me? Is there such a person out there? Ugh, i know that desperation is not the way to get much of anything in life, but now i’m beginning to understand why my ex and i might have jumped the gun. He, having years of solitude imposed upon him, knew there really wasnt anyone out there better than me, because although i was young and had many shortcomings to overcome, i was someone who was willing to invest time and effort on him. I saw him as someone who was willing to love me, despite the fact that i was young and inexperienced. My naive and pragmatic good ways didnt scare the fuck away……and so we settled on each other, knowing there was nothing better out there for the both of us, but each other. Somewhere along the way, he wasnt good enough for me……and now i live regretting that decision and wishing i could take it back, not so much because i still love him though a part of me always will, but more because i miss having someone look out for me, want me and miss me.
